Testing My Decision

It is hard to believe that I have not been smoking for over a week now. The process itself has been easier than I thought. I just had to decide that I will not smoke cigarettes any more. However, smoking cessation has been mentally hard for me. Sometimes I feel that I am transforming to someone else. Unfortunately, I do not like my new personality. Luckily, he won’t be with me as long he used to. The voice of my internal addict is fading.

It is a kind of strange that staying as an ex smoker is actually harder than quitting smoking. Quitting was relatively easy, but it is still hard to imagine my life without cigarettes. I know that this is only a phase, which will eventually pass. I know that the benefits of not smoking are far greater than the effects of nicotine. Still, my internal addict keeps my mind busy with depressing thoughts. But I will not fall back to my smoking habit. I know that I am much stronger than that.

These thoughts and feelings gave me an urge to test myself and my decision by visiting places, where people are usually smoking. Last night I visited a local bar even though I knew that it is a very risky thing to do. It was a big surprise to me that I did not want to smoke anymore. I was drinking alcohol, but the urge to smoke was gone. I know that this should be a good thing, but actually it only makes me confused. I know now that smoking cigarettes does not make me feel good. Nevertheless, I am still missing something about smoking. I am not sure what it is though.

Testing my decision to quit smoking was necessary, because I cannot fortify myself inside my apartment. It was useful to find out that I am able to resist temptation to smoke even in a very risky environment. Naturally, if I would have got an urge to smoke, I would have returned home immediately. I was not looking an excuse to smoke. I simply wanted to find out, if it would be safe for me to meet friends, who are still smoking. Perhaps it is time to start being active again.